Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Made A Fool of Myself in Public

On Sunday, June 3rd (2 days after the Nurse called with the BFN), I was due to sing in church with our praise band.  It just so happened that this weekend, I was singing by myself because the other singers were on vacation.  Not good timing.  I was pretty apprehensive about it, since I was having trouble even praying, let alone singing praises to God when my heart is hurting.  Hubby, who is our worship leader and guitar/piano player, encouraged me to get through it and I said that I'd try.

When I arrived at church, I managed to really avoid any conversations.  Just under the surface, I was still ready to cry at any moment and I was trying very hard to keep it together long enough to sing.

As the service started, I made my way up the aisle to take my place on the stage.  A friend's Mom grabbed my hand and asked how things went.  All I could manage to do was shake my head and continue my walk.  Breathe.  Get through this.  Don't lose it in front of everyone.

I took my place at center stage while the associate pastor made the announcements.  At the end, he stated that he'd been visiting family this week and found out that he's going to be a grandpa.  This was more than I could take.  I looked at Hubby and just lost it.  You can probably picture this one:  Pastor standing down in front of me smiling and happy about the news he just shared with the congregation.  Then, behind him up on stage, I begin to cry.  I walked off the stage and tried to compose myself.  Thank goodness he went into a long prayer before our music, so I had the time to calm myself down and rejoin the band on stage as the music began.  How in the world was I going to sing?

Somehow, I sang better that day that I had in a long time.

And as soon as the music was over, I left the sanctuary and cried.   It was so unfair.  I was hoping to have an announcement of my own that same day.  I was also embarrassed that I lost it in public.  If anyone wondered what was going on, there was no question after my public display.  Way to go!
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22 comments:

  1. E and RJune 14, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    It is unfair - I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. KecharaJune 14, 2011 at 9:35 PM

    I've had to slip out the side when I was liturgist and the sermon was about hope, so I totally understand!

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  3. glitterandrainbows1June 15, 2011 at 2:03 AM

    I commend you just for having the guts to get up there and sing with what you have experienced.

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  4. lostintranslationJune 15, 2011 at 7:12 AM

    (((hugs)))

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  5. LissieJune 15, 2011 at 11:34 AM

    So sorry sweety! You held yourself together far better than I would have!

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  6. PaigeJune 16, 2011 at 7:36 PM

    I got a BFN after IVF this week too. It sucks crapass. No other way to say it. Hang on...hang on with everything you've got. No other way.

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  7. AnonymousJune 16, 2011 at 11:14 PM

    I am so sorry that it was a BFN this time. I agree that it is completely unfair. It would be impossible to hold it together with such a public baby announcement in your face. That totally sucks.

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  8. DandelionBreezeJune 17, 2011 at 1:17 AM

    So sorry to hear about your result... my heart goes out to you. Love to you always xoxo
    {newyearmum2.blogspot.com}

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  9. CJune 21, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    I'm so sorry. I think losing it after a BFN cycle is normal. It's happened to me many, many times.

    ((HUGE HUGS))

    Visiting from ICLW!

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  10. TraceyJune 21, 2011 at 7:14 PM

    So sorry. It took me 6 ivfs to have my daughter and its so hard to keep the faith.
    i now write the blog for my RE and we're having a contest about the worst comment anyone ever made to you about your infertility. the grand prize is a free micro ivf cycle, but there's other prizes too. so if you want to vent, you can enter it. good luck and keep the faith. maybe being able to sing under such trying circumstances is God's way of showing you that you're stronger than you think. It just stinks to have to be strong sometimes, doesn't it? Tracey (#118)

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  11. Suzy, Not a Fertile MyrtleJune 22, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    Oh I am so sorry. Sometimes church is the hardest place for me to be on bad days. You'd think it would be the opposite.

    I'm in awe that you were able to make it through the song.

    Hoping you have your own miracle soon!

    ~Suzy
    ICLW #53

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  12. KristinJune 22, 2011 at 8:21 PM

    Oh honey, I'm so sorry. The timing of all that truly sucked. You did an amazing thing making it through the song.

    ICLW #10

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  13. St ElsewhereJune 23, 2011 at 8:31 AM

    Oh Oh! Sweetie, the fact that you could sing in itself is the testimony to your strength.

    But that does not take the pain away. Sorry about the BFN. Sorry about the fact that you did not have THE announcement for the congregation.

    :-(

    iclw #36

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  14. AnonymousJune 23, 2011 at 7:15 PM

    I don't think you should feel embarassed. You were probably in the best place for this to happen, and i'm quite sure more prayers are being said in your name because of your honest emotions. I know I always send prayers to those women suffering IF, always to you..xo

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  15. A m a n d aJune 24, 2011 at 8:56 AM

    Oh girl...I'm so sorry it was negative. I've been thinking of you, and was hoping to come back to happy news. That must have been so hard, but I'm really proud of you for making it back and singing. It isn't fair..that should have been you. But it will one day, I know it. Hang in there xo

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  16. DeborahJune 24, 2011 at 11:34 AM

    I'm so sad for you! It is so hard to have to act happy and normal when you're feeling that way. And it's probably harder to be in church, raising questions for you about G-d's role in your troubles.
    (((hugs)))
    from ICLW

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  17. MarianneJune 25, 2011 at 3:13 AM

    I am so sorry hon. You deserve this. What sucky timing for your pastor to announce that. I probably would have fainted.

    xoxo

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  18. Queenie. . .June 25, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    I'll bet most people didn't even notice that you slipped out and came back--they were probably focused on the pastor. And really, there's nothing wrong with letting people know you're hurting. We all go through bad stuff. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I LOATHE those kinds of comments that you've been getting. Hang in there. I think you're so incredibly strong to have gotten up there an sung during such trying times.

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  19. Jessica WhiteJune 27, 2011 at 1:18 PM

    *HUGE HUGS* Don't beat yourself up for hurting...especially after such an announcement. We all cry, we all have breakdowns, we're all human.

    Hang in there....praying for you.

    ICLW
    Life in the White House
    http://nothingshallbeimpossible2005.blogspot.com

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  20. JonelleJune 27, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    I often feel the same way at church. How can I worship and pray to God when I'm hurting so much? But God listens. He is a big God and can take it when we are angry and hurting.

    I like to think you sang the best that day because your worship to God was raw and real. Like King David with the Psalms.

    (((HUGS)))

    Jonelle
    ICLW #11

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  21. SarahJune 27, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    I am so sorry that you had such a hard time.


    (((hugs)))

    Happy ICLW
    #96

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  22. AnonymousJune 27, 2011 at 9:01 PM

    *hugs* I can't imagine singing, let alone leaving the house voluntarily.

    I hope you can find some peace.

    ICLW

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